


The Talk

by 15ekaytert887



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, Captain Swan - Freeform, Drinking to Cope, Emma POV, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Guilt, Heavy Angst, History, Killian POV, Secrets, Sexual Encounters, Sexual History
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-11-22 12:36:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11380323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/15ekaytert887/pseuds/15ekaytert887
Summary: After an awkward encounter with one of Hook's ex lovers Emma decides that her and Killian need to sit down and talk about their sexual history. However Emma has a feeling Killian isn't going to like what she has to tell himSlight Canon divergence but essentially takes place during season 4b





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Slight canon divergence. Emma got around a bit more than she does on the show, and she also met Tiger Lilly while in Neverland 
> 
> Also pretending that the stuff with the author isn't so pressing and giving Emma and Hook a quiet moment to actually sit down and discuss their relationship like a normal couple without having to worry about the safety of the town

“So how was your evening love? Did you have a good time?” Killian asked as they lazed on the couch together. Emma squirmed, unwilling to meet his gaze. Last night she had gone to the Rabbit Hole with Ruby, Belle and Ashley as a sort of girls night and to blow off some steam. No kids, no parents, and no boyfriends/husbands/Ruby's flavor of the week. Just the four of them. She had been having a good time drinking and talking with her friends until the bartender (a statuesque, raven haired beauty with dark Carmel skin and bright green eyes who looked like she belonged on the pages of a fashion magazine or the runways of Paris) overhead Emma talking about Killian. 

“Are you talking about Killian Jones, as in Captain Hook?” She had asked. 

“Yeah why, do you know him?” Emma had questioned. 

The woman had smiled salaciously “A bit.” She'd said “I didn't realize he was here in Storybrooke. I would love to pick things up where we left them.” She grinned again, clearly remembering something depraived. Emma had simply glared at her. 

“He's seeing someone.” Ruby had snapped at the woman. 

The bartender-- who's name tag read Sophie—rolled her eyes at that. “Somehow I doubt that that will be a problem, he was never a one-woman-kind-of-man if you know what I mean.” She smirked. 

“Well he is now.” Emma had almost growled feeling more than a bit uneasy. Emma had always been proud of her looks. She worked hard to keep fit and healthy and she had been blessed with a set of naturally perky breasts and long golden curls that she knew some woman would kill for. However as she stood next to this stunningly exotic woman she felt so plain and simple in comparison. She knew that there was no way she could keep Killian all to herself (not that she had technically even HAD Killian yet) if Sophie made good on her plans to see him and it damn near broke her heart. 

“Love, what's wrong?” Killian's voice broke Emma out of her retrieve. She must have been lost in thought longer than she realized because his voice sounded anxious. She stole a glance and saw that his his handsome face was clouded with concern, his forehead creased and he was stroking her arm in a soothing motion. 

“Nothing, I just, uh, met one of your friends last night.” Emma said as she pulled herself up off the couch and away from Killian. 

“Friends?” Killian asked his eyebrows going up in concern. 

Killian didn't know who Emma had met but it was safe to assume that it hadn't exactly been a pleasant encounter. Being a ruthless pirate for over 300 years hadn't left him with many ‘friends’ so to speak of.

“Uh yeah,” Emma replied as she poured herself a glass of water, obviously trying to avoid his gaze. 

“May I ask, pray tell, who?” Killian asked again as Emma gnawed on her lip. 

“Just some tall beautiful woman with long black hair, dark Carmel skin and green eyes who looked like she could win a perfect human being contest.” She said still avoiding looking into Killian's face as she did so. 

Ahh, Abby or had her name been Anna? Killian thought to himself. 

He was uncomfortable. He knew that Swan knew he had a past – she had one of her own – but it was another thing to talk about it. 

“What did she say?” He finally asked knowing whatever it was couldn't be good or Emma wouldn't look like that. 

“That she wanted to see you again and that you weren't a one woman kind of man.” Emma said staring into her glass, trying her damndest to not sound as meek and scared as she felt. 

To her astonishment Killian laughed. Emma snapped her head up to look at him his face which had been so worried a moment ago was now utterly amused. “What?” She demanded. 

“Swan, are you jealous?” He asked her. Emma's cheeks flared and she refused to look at him. She wasn't jealous, she was just afraid he was going to leave her for someone better. 

Killian got up off the couch and came to wrap his arms around her, he had stopped laughing but the amusement was still in his eyes. “I just…” Emma began “I can't compete with her.” She finished desperately trying not to sound as self conscious as she felt. She shrugged her shoulders and looked off to the side, away from Killian's intense blue eyes. 

“Theres no competition Swan.” He said firmly.

Emma laughed with no trace of amusement “Exactly, because she's already won.” 

Killian reached up to take her chin in his hand and turned her head, forcing her to look at him. How was it that she could still somehow not see how beautiful she was? On the inside and out. No other woman could ever compare to the all encompassing beauty that was Emma Swan. 

“There. Is. No. Competition.” He said again, emphasizing each word, his blue eyes boring into her green, praying that she would believe him. “There's only you Emma. I only want you.” 

“You say that now.” She began “but-“ Killian couldn't take hearing her doubt his affection for her any longer. He surged forwards and cut her off in a brutal kiss. His hand tangled in her soft golden tresses as he nipped and sucked at her lips and when she parted them for him he plunged his tongue into her mouth and ravaged her insides fully with it. Emma's fingers carded through his own soft hair her nails scratching ever so slightly making him moan. Without breaking the kiss he picked her up and plopped her down on the counter to have better access to her mouth. She wrapped her legs around his waist and pushed herself flush against him. He let out another soft moan as he felt her press against the growing bulge in his pants. 

Just before he lost all semblance of self control he pulled back to rest his forehead against hers. Emma was panting heavily her heart beating fast and her pale skin entirely flushed. He chuckled. 

“Would you like to question my affections for you again darling?” He asked his own voice coming out in a breathy whisper as he too tried to get his own breathing under control. 

“If I do will you kiss me like that again?” She asked her voice coming out in a light breathy laugh. 

“I will kiss you like that whenever you may wish it Swan.” He told her. 

“Good.” She said and it was music to his ears. 

He was about to make good on his promise and kiss her again when Emma put her hand on his chest and pushed him away, disentangling herself from him. 

“We need to talk.” She said. 

Killian groaned internally. 

“When a woman says that I'm hardly in for a pleasant conversation.” He quipped. She smiled hesitantly at him before going over to the couch. He followed but sat a safe distance away from her. Emma turned to face him but didn't say anything and Killian just waited quietly for her to start. 

Emma gnawed on her lip again. She had never done this before. Never had the ‘relationship talk’ so to speak. From that kiss she knew that Killian wanted the two of them to be exclusive—which they were—but it was always nice to have some reassurance on that fact. Their status of being a couple wasn't the problem it was all the other stuff that was. The last time Emma had been in an honest to God relationship it had been with Neal and she hadn't had any sexual history to speak of so there had been no need to talk about it. However Emma knew now that they SHOULD have DEFINITELY talked about it because NOT having this discussion was how she had wound up being 17 and pregnant. 

Emma could do this. She could have a normal conversation about sex with her boyfriend like an adult. She wished there was a way to make this not awkward but she knew that the longer she put It off the worse it would just end up being. Emma knew that she was the reason behind her and Killian's non existent sex life--she had had the proof of his desire for her pressed against her not ten minutes ago—but she also knew that Killian was too much of a gentleman to not pressure her about it. Something she greatly appreciated given her past experiences with men. Emma knew that they needed to have this conversation before she finally gave over to the all consuming fire and slept with her pirate boyfriend. 

He also deserved to know what she had done before they took that step. 

She hadn't ever planned on telling him or ever even speaking of it again with anyone really but she couldn't exactly ask for him to be open and honest with her without doing the same with him. She just hoped he wouldn't see it as a big deal because in all honesty it wasn't. 

(That was a lie and Emma knew it. It hadn't been a big deal to HER—it had just been sex-- however she knew god damn well that it would be a big deal to HIM. No matter how many times she told herself that he wouldn't actually care.)

“Look I get that you're like 300 year old Casanova,” she began shoving aside her worries about telling him for later. They still had an entire conversation to get through first. 

“A what?” Killian asked looking at her confused. 

Right. Enchanted Forest. Pirate. Didn't know who or what a Casanova was. Right. 

“Nothing, it doesn't matter,” Emma said with a quick shake of her head then she took a deep breath and started again. “Look normally I wouldn't even ask, it's not like my past is exactly...chaste either, but after last night…I just think we should talk about our history's so one of us doesn't get blind sided like that again.” She said. 

Killian’s heart steeled for a minute remembering the literally hundreds of women he had been with knowing total certainty that he could never name them all or even remember roughly how many. 

“You want to know who I've been with?” He asked keeping his tone as light as he could. 

“Well, not everyone obviously you're a million year old womanizer so that would be a bit ridiculous,” she laughed nervously at her own joke. “Just like the people I actually know or who are in Storybrooke.” She said. 

Killian had a mental sigh of relief. THAT he could do. He looked at her and saw the nervousness on her face. He wasn't sure if she was nervous because she didn't want to know how many woman he'd been with or that he wouldn't tell her or possibly another reason altogether, but either way he wanted to sooth her. 

“Aye, love I get it.” He said placing one of his hands over Emma's  
bouncing, fidgety knee. “I didn't exactly relish the conversation I had that time with Bae and that was just after a mere kiss.” He admitted remembering that terribly awkward moment he had had with the father of her son. 

“Right…” Emma said still anxious but at least slightly less so. An idea crossed Killian's mind then. If she was asking him to reveal his sexual past to her then was it then accustom in this realm that she do the same? The idea of Emma being with anyone Irked him but at the same time he didn't want to find out from anyone but her if she had slept with someone they knew either. 

“How about this, we go one for one.” He suggested. 

“Okay.” Emma agreed and she was proud of herself that the word came out sounding normal despite of terrified she was. She was totally screwed. 

“Only people we both know right?” Emma asked making double sure they both understood the rules and hoping there was some sort of loophole in them (there wasn't). However she also didn't need or want to hear about all the hundreds of woman he had most definitely had sex with over the years and she didn't exactly feel like trying to remember every one night stand herself. 

“I have a feeling that I'll run out of people you'll know before I do” she added as an afterthought. The whole town had been sent back to the Enchanted Forest during Pans curse and then subsequently brought back by Zelenas. Killian could have easily slept his way through everyone in Storybrooke during that year. Not to mention the time he had spent in the hospital after being hit by Gregg Mendel’s car. She could easily imagine a nurse or two being seduced by his charms. 

Killian laughed at bit awkwardly “I have a feeling you may be right about that love, but just humor will you?” He asked. 

“Ok,” Emma sighed “but can I ask you for just one other thing first?” 

“Of course love, anything.” He replied. What would his Swan want?

“Amnesty.” She said determinedly her eyes hard. She wanted this. She NEEDED this. To know that he wasn't going to hold it against her when he finds out she's lied to him. (Well not LIED lied exactly, just mislead… technically?) 

Bloody hell. Had she just asked him for what he thought she was? Was she really willing to overlook all his past transgressions and give a blanket forgiveness on anything he might tell her? How? Why? Killians mind spun, he didn't understand what he had ever done to deserve this woman. 

“That's a lot of faith you're putting in me Swan.” He said to her. Tried to WARN her that he's done things that he isn't proud of. Things that she SHOULDN’T forgive him for. One in particular. 

“I told you, I'm going to choose to see the best in you.” Emma smiled kindly at him but then she looked down at her own hands nervously fidgeting again. 

“And I hope you'll choose to see the best in me too.” She said trying to hide the venerability and worry she felt that he wouldn't forgive her.

Killian looked at her suddenly realizing why she was asking for this. She was scared too. She had done something (more accurately SOMEONE) he was not going to like and she needed to know that It was ok for her to tell him about it. Killian knew in an instant that whoever it was, it didn’t matter. Emma could have bedded the bloody crocodile himself (although hopefully not) and Killian would forgive her. He would ALWAYS forgive her no matter what she has done or may do. 

“Aye,” Killian said raising his hand to lift her face and look into her green eyes “Amnesty.” He promised. Who was he to deny her something she obviously needed as much as he did. 

“Thank you.” She whispered. Then she pulled away and took a deep breathe. Killian could practically see her shaking off the intensity of the last couple minutes. 

“Ok,” she said turning to look at him. “You first.”

Killian decided it was best to ease her into it. Despite her obvious discomfort he could tell that this conversation was important to his Swan, and as always Killian would do whatever she asked of him. However he still thought it best to start off slow because she was certainly NOT going to be happy about some of his conquests. One or two in particular. 

“Milah.” he said lightly. 

“Neal.” Emma countered automatically. 

“That's not fair Swan, give me a real one.” Killian groaned. 

“It’s as real as yours was.” She objected. 

“You had a bloody child with him.” Killian reminded her “Despite what you may think I am fully aware of where children come from.”

“And you were with her for for 10 years.” Emma reminded him defensively. 

Well she had him there. 

“Fair point, love. Fine.” Killian grumbled a bit. The easiest one was over this next part was going to be a bit harder. “Tiger Lilly.” He said. 

Emma just nodded “Yeah, I assumed so. No woman would look at anyone like the way she looked at you unless they had been screwed over. Both literally and figuratively.” She said, remembering the native woman's death glare and over all disdain for Hook when they had met briefly in Neverland. It reminded her of the look she felt form on her face whenever she had thought of Neal after he had left her in prison. “I would know.” She laughed out bitterly. 

Killian scratched behind his ear nervously, knowing he should probably tell Emma exactly WHY the woman hated him so. It was only fair that she know exactly what she was getting with him in case she wanted to back out of their relationship. It would kill him but he wouldn't be able to blame her for it either. She had been hurt by similar actions before. 

“Aye,” he said “Well… you see, we enjoyed tormenting each other but I may have taken too far the last time. Immediately following our, well, ENCOUNTER, I left her abandoned on skull rock to ward off the lost boys herself as I sailed off safe on the Jolly.” He admitted while looking at Emma from the corner of his eye, gauging how she would respond to some of his many dastardly deeds. 

“Seriously?” Emma asked however she didn't seem to hate him for what he had done, just a little surprised. 

“Aye, it wasn't the most gentlemanly thing to do but that lass, well she's tough. I had no reason to believe that she wouldn't make it out of there, it was just going to be a hell of a lot more difficult without my help is all. As you know she ended up being perfectly fine as I suspected she would be, but she never quite forgive me for that one.” He said feeling ashamed of himself for what he'd done. His and Tigers relationship had been complicated at best. Sometimes they were on the same side, sometimes they weren't. The only reason he had even seduced her (other than to see if he simply could of course) was to set a trap knowing the lost boys would be there by the time they had finished. It was revenge for her shooting a poison dart in his neck and leaving him out cold in the middle of the jungle while she stole a great deal of his treasure. Not that that was any excuse. 

Killian sighed and raised his head to look at Emma, who still didn't appear to be all that upset about what he had told her, almost like she had suspected it. 

Emma wasn't too surprised at all by Killian's confession. Like she had said she had suspected something of the like had happened between them and Killian's obvious guilt over the matter proved to her just how much he really had changed. He obviously now regretted his actions. Plus it wasn't like she hadn't done the same thing before. As her job as a bail bonds person she had found herself intentionally seducing men into honey traps and then hauling their sorry asses off to jail. Killian had just taken it a step further than she ever did. 

She smiled at him ever so slightly and reached for his hand, letting him know that it was ok. He immediately reciprocated and began rubbing soft circles on the tops of her fingers. 

“Your turn.” He said looking up at her, a bit of mischief back in his eyes. 

“Graham.” Emma said swallowing the lump in her throat of the memory of him dying on the floor of the sheriffs station. Killian and Graham may never have met but he still deserved to know the extent of her relationship with him. 

“Your old boss the sheriff?” Killian asked her a slight hint of jealousy in his voice. Emma saw him eyeing the shoelace she wore around her wrist. She instantly yanked her sweater down to cover it. 

“Yeah, what about it?” She asked slightly defensive. 

“Nothing, I just never realized you'd been with him.” Killian lied hoping that she couldn't see the jealousy burning in his eyes and yet knowing she would. It wasn't even the idea that Emma had been with the man (which still stung to know that she had given herself over to him so shortly after having met while Killian had to pine for over a year just to get her to accept him into her life) No it was the fact that she still wore Grahams shoelace tied around her wrist. He had been that important to her that she felt that she needed to keep a reminder of him with her at all times. And yet she kept no such reminders of Killian. 

Emma saw right through his lie like he knew she would. “Yeah well, he died in my arms not five minutes after, if it makes you feel any better.” She said as off handedly as she could muster. 

Killian looked down immediately feeling ashamed for his childish jealousy. Of course she kept a memento of this man with her always. He had been important to her. Emma had told Killian about how Graham had taught her about the importance of putting down roots and helped convince her to stay in Storybrooke in the first place. He couldn't begrudge the man that. If it not for him Killian would have never met the woman of his dreams. His jealousy was utterly ridiculous. 

“Nothing that brings you pain would ever make me feel good Swan.” Killian said quietly as he reached for Emma's hand again, stroking her wrist over the shoelace. “And just so you know, I get it.” He added. He understood why Emma always wore the thinning brown piece of leather around her wrist. It was the same reason he had Milah’s name tattooed onto his. It was a memorial to lost loves. 

Emma blushed slightly at the sentiment in his voice. “Your turn.” She nodded to him. 

Back to business. That was so like his Swan. 

“That woman you met. I think her name was Anna? Abby? Something like that.” He told her. 

“Her name was Sophie.” Emma corrected him. 

Bloody hell. Wrong sister. Killian thought and he winced slightly realizing he'd have to explain WHY he had gotten the woman's name wrong. 

“Right never was great with names when I've been drinking.” He laughed knowing full well that she would call him out for his slip up. 

“Or they were two different women.” Emma grumbled and although it was childish Killian felt the tiniest bit better at the twinge of jealousy he heard in her voice. 

“Quite right love, Sophie. So I guess that means my next one would have to be Anna/Abby, her twin sister.” He said as lightly as he could. 

“Don’t you know it's ‘bloody bad form’ to sleep with the siblings of people you've already slept with ?” Emma chided in an adorable (yet horrendous) imitation of his accent making Killian laugh. He was glad to hear the lightness back in her voice. Once again she didn't sound mad at least and for that he was grateful but he knew that they still had a lot to get through. 

“It may have been at the same time.” He smirked salaciously at her, briefly remembering his and the sisters night of debauchery upon his ship. 

“You had a three way with a set of gorgeous twins. God you really are a Casanova aren't you? When?” Emma asked jealousy and astonishment clear in her voice as well as a hint of teasing. 

“A few weeks before a certain blonde savior picked me up from a pile of corpses.” He admitted slyly but then he added “I actually wasn't even aware they were in this realm.” 

Emma thought about that for a minute. The smirk he had given her told her more than she had wanted to know and she began to again worry that she wasn’t enough to keep him. That telling him what she did would only push him into the arms of two up for anything twins. 

“Do you want to?” Emma asked quietly after a long moment of silence.

“Do I want to what love?” Killian asked confused. 

“Do you want to see them again now that you know there in this realm and all? Sophie said she was going to look you up from the look on your face you seemed like you really enjoyed the last time you saw each other.” She finished a bit sharply. 

“Emma.” Killian said sternly waiting for her to meet his gaze and when she did he leaned forward to brush away the golden locks that had fallen into her eyes. “The only one I want to see in that way or in any way is you.” He told her trying to pour all the love he felt for her into his words, hoping it was enough to get her to believe in what he was saying. “I can't deny that that was an especially entertaining evening but it pales in comparison to the feelings of joy and utter completeness I get from just being in your presence.” He admitted, then he leaned forward to nuzzle his nose against hers, his own lips tingling with anticipation. “Or…” he said softly “shall I remind you of exactly how I feel again.” He asked and then smirked as he heard Emma let out a shaky breath. 

“No that's ok.” Emma whispered just as quietly, her breathing still uneven. God how did you do this to her? He could get her from 0 to quivering with need in the matter of minutes. “If you kiss me like that again we'll never finish this conversation and we need to have it out so we can finally get to the good stuff.” She laughed, thinking of how damn great the good stuff is. 

Killian pulled back “As you wish.” He said lightly then quickly kissed her nose and sat back into the sofa, trying not to think about what Emma might be implying when she talked about ‘good stuff’. 

Killian didn't want to assume anything with her and he didn't want her to feel at all pressured by him. He wanted her to give herself over to him because SHE wanted to, not because she felt she had to. He had meant what he had told her about the feelings of completeness he had whenever he was with her. It outshined any and all nights of erotic pleasure he had ever had in his life by far and if simply being in her presence did that to him he could only imagine what it would be like for them to finally come together. However Killian also couldn't help but hope that that moment did come sooner than later. 

“I do believe that it's your turn again Swan.” Killian said hoping to take his mind off the direction his thoughts were clearly heading. 

Emma frowned. “Uhg, Walsh.” She told him sounding disgusted with herself. 

“The flying monkey.” Killian stated. He knew this. He knew that they had been intimate. She had been planning on marrying the guy before Killian showed up with the memory potion (and thank the gods that he did) However it was one thing to assume something as fact and quite another to have it confirmed as such. 

“Dear god don't remind me!” Emma cried out her face going red as she buried it in her hands. Killian immediately reached out and began rubbing her back with his hand, soothingly. His attempt to ease her pain as automatic as breathing.

“I was with him for 8 months.” Emma added, still not taking her head out of her hands. Her voice was muffled but Killian could plainly hear her disbelief and embarrassment over the whole situation. 

“I know don't remind ME.” Killian said quietly half hoping that Emma wouldn't hear him and relieved when it appeared that she hadn’t. Walsh was a touchy subject for him. It had broken his heart when he had come back for her only to find her in love with another man. Cursed memories or not. However what really did him in was the fact that Walsh had lied and deceived Emma the entire time and then promptly tried to kill her. Emma had trusted him (something Killian knew was incredibly hard for her to do) and the monster had only hurt her like everyone else had. He hadn't deserved her love or her body and yet he had revived both through his lies and deception. If Emma hadn't killed the man (or monkey?) in self defense Killian would have out right murdered the bastard for what he had done. 

“Ugh!” Emma said making a disgusted noise and finally lifting her head. “Let's just move on, its your turn.” She said looking at him. 

Bloody hell. Moment of truth. His Swan was NOT going to respond well to this one. “You're not going to like it.” He hedged in one last attempt to spare her. 

“I still want to know.” She said sternly. 

Killian looked at her for a long moment, then sighed “…Tinkerbell.” He said flatly. 

“I knew it!” Emma shouted anger and jealousy clear as day on her face and Killian knew why. She had always questioned him about his relationship with the fairy and he had always promised her that there wasn't anything going on because there WASN’T. He was with Emma and she was all he wanted. However she had never specifically asked him if there HADN'T been something going on between him and Tink BEFORE he and Emma met. He knew that it wasn't a good excuse not to tell her sooner but he hadn't wanted to upset her. Clearly he had made the wrong decision. 

“I'm sorry I didn't tell you Swan. So so sorry. I just didn't want to upset you over something that happened a long time ago.” He pleaded his case knowing sure well that it was a sorry ass excuse. He'd be lucky if she forgave him. 

“How long?” Emma demanded, her arms folded over her chest. 

Killian scrambled trying to remember the last time he and Tink had engaged in carnal activities, and happily realizing it had been longer than he thought. “I don’t know maybe a hundred years or so ago.” He told her. 

“No, how long were you together?”

Killian paled slightly. He and Tinkerbell had a sort of arrangement whilst he was in Neverland. Whenever either one of them was feeling the need they came together. It was an open invitation and one that neither one of them had ever turned down. But It was never about love or even passion really between them. Killian and Tink never saw each other as more than friends, if they were even that. It was just the need to scratch the itch with something other than his own hand during the times when he wasn't running rum and treasure to and fro the Enchanted Forest for Pan. However their arrangement had gone on for quite a while during his long life, he really couldn't say when it started or even ended. It had just BEEN. 

However he knew that none of this was going to make his Swan feel better. 

“We were never together Swan,” he started slowly. “It was more like, we… had an arrangement.” Killian ventured his voice lifting at the end a bit almost like he was asking a question. Or more accurately asking for her permission to admit to such a thing. It was already seen as bad enough to bed a woman you had no intention of marrying (aside from whores of course) but it was entirely bad form to REPEATEDLY bed a woman with no intentions of ever making a proposal of marriage. Tinkerbell wasn't a whore and yet he had spent night after night in her bed simply for his own selfish release. What would Liam think? Sadly, Killian exactly knew what his brother would think. Liam would've kicked his bloody arse from here to kingdom come, and rightly so.

“Uhg, I'm beginning to regret having this conversation.” Emma said with a shake of her head, desperately trying to dislodge the images of Tinkerbell wrapped around Killian. She had always sensed that there was more to her and Killian then either one of them had shared. It angered her that Killian hadn't told her sooner especially when he KNEW Emma had wanted to know. However he had obviously agreed to amnesty for a reason, perhaps this was why, and Emma couldn't deny him that when she was going to need it so badly herself. 

Killian was still apologizing “Emma I am so so sorry love. I should have told you. I know I should have. I wa—“

Emma reached up and put a finger to his lips to silence him “Amnesty, remember?” She said. 

Killian just looked at her in slight awe. “You're… you're not upset?” He asked. 

“Well, yeah, I obviously wish you'd told me sooner, or better yet that you two had never even… you know, but it's ok. You said that it's been over for a while and I believe and trust you.” She said giving him the same reassurance in him that she hoped he would give her. 

Killian suddenly surged forward and kissed her quickly yet passionately. “You're a bloody marvel Swan.” He said once he pulled away. 

Emma laughed nervously and looked away “I hope you'll remember that in a minute.” She mumbled under her breath. 

“What was that, love?” Killian asked her questioningly. 

“Nothing, never mind.” Emma said with a shake of her head, turning back to him. 

“Are you out?” Killian asked her. 

“Out of what?” Emma stalled, knowing exactly what he was talking about. 

“Men that you've bedded Swan.” Killian said with a role of his eyes. 

“We only have to tell each other about the people the other would know right?” Emma asked, still stalling. 

“Those were the terms to our agreement Love.” Killian reminded her. 

“Then yes.” Emma attempt to lie was poor and she knew that Killian would see right through her. For as good as spotting lies as Emma was Killian was as equally as good at spotting HER lies. 

“No you're not, I can see it in your eyes.” He said. 

“Killian…” Emma whined REALLY not wanting to tell him about this one. It would only hurt him. But if he somehow found out about it from someone other than her Emma knew he would loose his god damn mind, because it would clearly look like something it really hadn't been. 

“Swan…” Killian urged and she knew he wasn't going to give this one up until she told him. 

Crap. Moment of truth. No turning back now. Fuck.


	2. The Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is entirely Emma's POV and should probably be rated M for language (major f bomb droppage) 
> 
> Hope y'all are ready for some serious agnst

Emma closed her eyes and took a deep breathe. 

“August.” She spit out. 

“What.” Killian asked her, the deep timbre of his voice coming out flatly. However Emma could hear the anger bubbling just under the surface. His jaw ticked, his hand balled into a tight fist and his eyes had gone hard. Oh god why, WHY hadn't she just told him about this when he had asked? She hadn't exactly lied to him, not really at least, he had never out right ASKED her if she'd slept with August. But Emma knew that was the flimsiest excuse there had ever been. 

The truth was that she had been scared. Scared to tell him that after Killian had brought her back from New York and was working so hard to prove to her just how much he cared for her, she was going home at night to another man, all the while sending Killian mixed signals. Killian would leave her. She had been sure of it. 

If Emma hadn't been sure that he was going to leave her then when he had given her a god damn CHANCE to tell him about it all, then he sure as hell was going to leave her now after she had lied to him. 

After Killian had brought Emma back to Storybrooke her head had been spinning. On the one hand she had been happy to see her family again while on the other all she wanted was to forget everything and go back to New York and live a normal life. She had wanted (and at the same time DID) resent Killian so much for taking her from that life but when he had stood with her on that street corner and gave her that memory potion all her mixed up feelings she had had for him before had come back at full force. 

However an abundance more had also come. 

When Emma and Henry left to escape Pans curse Emma had secretly wished that her parents would find her and bring her home. That she would mean enough to them. That they would move heaven and earth to get back to her, just like they always had with each other. That just for once, someone would choose HER. It may have been a selfish wish that was ultimately in vain but Emma's heart wished it as hard as she could anyway. So imagine her surprise to wake up from her false life not to see her father, mother, or even Neal standing there but Hook. 

Hook had found her. He had done god knows what (Traded his god damn SHIP) just to get back to HER.

Looking back on it now Emma could admit that that moment—the moment on the street corner, in front of the police station, waking up to find Hook standing there before her, in a world he wasn't supposed to be able to be in, looking at her as if she were the most important thing in all the realms-- THAT was the moment Emma Swan had fallen in love with Killian Jones. 

And it scared the absolute shit out of her. 

It scared her because she had been in love before and it had only ended badly. It scared her because the feelings she had for Killian were stronger than anything she had ever felt before, including her feelings she had had for Neal or her current fiancé. Emma didn't know what to do. 

So instead of accepting the feelings of love she had for Killian, Emma pushed them down and focused solely on the negatives of being back in Storybrooke, blaming and resenting Killian for being the one to bring her there. 

Her first full day back in Storybrooke Emma’s head was spinning. She was frustrated with the lack of evidence or even leads they had over the missing year. She was worried about Henry being back here without his memories and worried that people kept going missing. She was furious she had let herself be tricked by a god damn flying monkey for 8 whole months and that her entire relationship had been a lie. She was hurt that her parents hadn't been the ones to come save her like she had wanted and that instead of finding her they were having another baby. She was homesick for New York and the peaceful nights her and Henry had spent playing video games and eating popcorn. But most of all Emma was terrified of the intense feelings she had whenever she was with (or even thought about) Killian. 

So instead of doing the normal, healthy thing and deal with her problems Emma had went out drinking instead. That's where she had run into August. She was surprised to see him at first, as well, NOT a 9 year old boy but happy just the same. He told her that he didn't know how it happened either, he had just woken up like this in Storybrooke with everyone else as if nothing had happened, although it clearly HAD. So despite Emma's immediate surprise she had brushed it off and decided to take it as a good thing. She could use a friend right about now and the two of them had always gotten along well. So he sat down, bought her another drink as well as a rum for himself and they just hung out. They talked about her life in New York and how she was doing with the Wicked Witch case. She caught him up on what he had missed in the world of pop culture and sports. He told her about how he had moved back into the trailer and about the new book he wanted to write. They threw darts and played pool. They Just did NORMAL stuff and right then Emma was craving that kind of normalcy amidst the magical fucking chaos that was Storybrooke. 

And of course they drank. They drank a LOT. That night had been one of the top five drunkest Emma had ever been in her entire life and that was really saying something. She wasn't sure how it happened; who started flirting with who, who had “accidentally” brushed against the other first, who leaned in to kiss the other. All Emma knew was that they had ended up in the bathroom, August drunkenly fucking her against the wall. 

To be totally honest Emma remembered very little about that first night--the alcohol had really done a number on her—the only thing that she was absolutely certain of when she had woken up the next morning was that she had definitely had sex and it was DEFINITELY with August. 

Emma had planned on treating it like any other one night stand. To pretend it didn't happen and move on with her life. However she wasn’t expecting Killian to save her from a god damn flying monkey attack the very next day. 

The beast had come at her out of nowhere while her and Killian were inspecting the town line. Emma was unable to pull her gun fast enough and so Killian literally hurled himself – sword in hand—In between her and it. He luckily was able to slash the flying monstrosity to bits before it got the chance to bite either of them. 

When the creatures bloodied carcass was lying dead at their feet Emma had just looked at him in shock, awe, and utter silence. Killian had just risked his own life for HER. No one had ever put Emma first in her entire life and the feelings of love and affection for Killian exploded within her all over again. However that's when she also realized just how much she would loose if something were to to happen to him. The fact that he was throwing his life around like it was meaningless infuriated her. 

They say that love and hate are two sides of the same coin so in that moment Emma focussed all her intense all consuming emotions into her hate and furry so she wouldn't have to think about what it could all mean. 

Emma screamed at Killian that he was an idiot and he yelled at her that he didn't care. She ordered him not to do something so stupid ever again and he said that he would do it again in a heart beat if it meant protecting her. They cursed obscenities and hurled accusations at one another for nearly 20 minutes before Emma finally stormed off, to filled with such intense feelings to even look at the stupid pirate right now. 

She wanted to kiss him. Again. Desperately. 

There had always ALWAYS been a sizzling heat just below the surface when it came to Emma and Killian, from that first moment on the bean stalk when he had bandaged her hand. The way he was getting all hot and bothered, red in the face while yelling at her--yelling beautiful words like he was always going to be there to protect her and he didn't care if she didn’t like it—it all made Emma want to jump him. She wanted to feel the scratch of his scruff against her skin, feel his calloused fingers running through her hair, smell the scent of leather on his skin and taste the delicious essence of rum on his tongue. 

But Emma couldn't do that. She was already way to emotionally invested in the pirate and if she did something stupid (like sleep with him) it would only break her even worse when it ended. So instead she went to someone she had no intense all consuming emotions for at all. Someone fun and easy. Someone who despite his strange birth—if that was even the right word—was a NORMAL person in this town. Someone who had grown up in the real world and could make Emma remember what it was like when her life had been easy—a lie, yes, but easy. Good even. Someone who also had a handsome scruffy beard, calloused fingers and a penchant for rum and leather. 

Emma went to August’s trailer. 

The second he had opened the door Emma had jumped him. Attacking him like a wild animal in heat. But if August had been confused or even minded that she had come here unannounced and without any explanation he didn't say so, he just kissed her back and lead them to his bed. 

When they had finished Emma immediately dressed, quickly telling him that it wasn't going to happen again and took off. And she had meant it, then. 

However every day Killian would do something or say something that would only make Emma want him more and so every night she went back to August hoping that he would fuck the feelings out of her. Every time she left she told him it wasn't going to happen again and yet every night she came back, desperate for a vessel in which to release her deepest darkest desires. But it just wasn't ever enough. 

August’s scruff, yet handsome, wasn't quite the right length and it irritated her skin in a bad way instead of good. August's fingers, yet calloused, were covered in ink that left annoying stains on her skin. His rum wasn't the right brand and he smelled of leather and wood instead of leather and the sea. 

Essentially, as much as Emma may wish and pretend otherwise, August wasn't who she really wanted. Killian was. 

The night in front of Granny's when Killian had told her about trading the Jolly for her and kissed her so reverently (as if she was a precious object that should be cherished and worshipped) Emma knew in her heart that she wasn’t going back to August's trailer ever again. 

Now here they were, two and a half months later, sitting on Emma's couch in her parents loft, HAPPY, and everything was crashing down around her because she was too afraid to tell him the truth when she had the chance. When there may have been a way for him to forgive her. But now? Now there was no way. Amnesty or not. Emma was about to be broken AGAIN, and it was entirely her own god damn fault. 

“What?” Killian repeated again through clenched teeth, his anger brimming just under the surface now. 

“August.” Emma whispered out trying to push away the tears she could feel stinging the back of her eyes. 

“Aye, I heard that. When? How long? Explain.” Killian demanded harshly. Only he wasn't Killian anymore he was Captain Hook and he wanted an explanation. 

A small defensive part of Emma was mad that he was reacting like this, she had forgiven him for Tinkerbell after all and he had promised her amnesty. And she hadn't even asked about all the dozens of prostitutes and bar wenches he had most definitely been with that year they were apart so he had no right to judge her. They hadn't even been in an actual relationship yet. He didn't have a right to be angry about this. However a much bigger part of her new that he had every right to be furious--she had pretty much straight up lied to his face after all—and she felt too guilty and scared to say much of anything. Killian continued to stare Emma down, obviously waiting for answers. 

“It was uh, after you brought me back to Storybrooke…” Emma finally said, looking down at the floor, too afraid of what she might see in his eyes if she looked up.

“How long?” Killian demanded again. 

“Everynightupuntilthetimeportal.” Emma mumbled so quietly and quickly under her breathe she knew she was going to have to repeat herself. 

“What?” Killian asked his voice raising in irritation. Obviously he hadn't understood what she had said. 

Emma took a deep breathe and looked up at him “Every night up until the time portal.” She admitted, proud of herself that she somehow found the strength to look him in the eyes as she said it. 

Killian’s breathing hitched and Emma saw the pain flash across his face before his mask slammed down in place. 

Emma hated seeing him like this. At times she forgot the he was just as broken as she was. That he had endured so much pain in his life. Only now SHE was the one causing it. She hated herself for doing this to him. 

“You lied to me!” He shouted angrily jumping up off the couch and angrily pacing the room. 

Emma's defensive streak kicked in at hearing his tone. “No I didn't! You never asked if we'd hooked up!”

“Hooked what!?” Killian roared frustrated at the unfamiliar phrase. 

“It means to have sex you idiot! God you would think that you'd have caught up on the lingo by now.” Emma said irritatedly. 

“Well I'm sorry I didn't grow up in this realm like AUGUST did Swan! And besides that's not the bloody point! You told me I had nothing to worry about!” Killian roared back at her, furry burning in his blue eyes. 

“You don't! I ended it! It didn't even MEAN anything. It was just some way to blow off steam!” Emma shouted back tears stinging at the back of her eyes but if they were from anger or hurt she didn't know. “And besides WE WEREN’T TOGETHER THEN! I never asked you about all the women YOU slept with during our year apart or while dealing with Zelena because WE WEREN’T TOGETHER and could fuck whoever you wanted just like I could!” 

Killian's eyes which had gone wide at the first part of her outburst narrowed into slits at her second. “Swan,” he said, his voice terrifyingly calm and slow, like the quiet of a storm before all hell breaks loose. “Do you know when the last time I had sex was?” He asked her his velvety voice dripping with venom. 

Emma – who was admittedly currently very terrified at his now sudden calm (she had never seen him so angry) – threw her hands up in the air and made an exasperated noise “I don't know, when your lips we're cursed?” She ventured. 

Killian – who had begun stroking the tip of his hook in an utterly terrifying and menacing way that Emma wasn’t sure he was even aware he was even doing it – said “Not quite darling.”

“Fine. Pans curse.” Emma relented. She should have known better than to throw that out there, if he was this upset about her and August he obviously hadn't been with anyone during that time. 

“The Enchanted Forest.” Killian replied his voice still menacing. 

“That's what I just fucking said!” Emma cried, exasperated once again. 

“No, Swan I mean the Enchanted Forest BEFORE you pulled me out of that pile of bodies.” Killian said his eyes burning into hers with such an intensity Emma thought he just might burn her alive. 

Emma couldn't breathe. He couldn't mean that. After Milah died he had fucked his way through practically every brothel and tavern in the realm to ease his heartache. There was no way that…that SHE, EMMA was that important to him. She wasn't that important to ANYONE. 

“What? But you—me—we weren't—I wasn't—I—“ she spluttered incoherently. 

If what Killian was saying was true (and Emma could only assume that it was because she had heard no trace of a lie) then this was worse than Emma could have imagined. 

Back then Killian had been trying so hard, so god damn HARD to prove to her that he wouldn't leave, that he wouldn't hurt her, that he was worthy of her. During that time Emma had somehow managed to simultaneously hold Killian close and also push him away at the same time. She never told him to stop his advances because deep down inside she had wanted them. Wanted to feel loved and cherished and WANTED. But at the same time she had shut him down at every turn because she was too afraid to take a leap of faith. Now, for him to find out that she had also been sleeping with another man at the time while he had been nothing but faithful to her even though they weren't even together yet...

Emma knew what this must look like to him. 

This basically made Emma look like she didn't give a damn about Killian at all. That she had totally lead him on whilst sleeping with someone else in secret. Then when given the opportunity to tell him the truth she had made it worse by lying about it, further making it look like something that it hadn't. 

Oh, god. This was bad. This was so so bad. He was going to leave her. Emma was sure of it. 

“That's right love,” Killian began softly, however his voice increased with every word, with every step towards her “even back then I was captivated by you. I wanted you desperately. If Cora and the others hadn't been there I would have taken you against the wall of that bloody jail cell. I would have taken you in that damn hospital bed too if you hadn't had me chained down. I didn't want another woman, because none of them could quite compare to YOU.” He was getting closer now and Emma began to back away from him. 

“Then you kissed me and my entire world shifted. I suddenly understood why I only wanted YOU. Why only YOU would satisfy me. Why no other woman could possibly compare to YOU. During Pans curse I didn't want any other woman, I didn't even bother to try. I knew nothing and no one was going to ease my heartache, no one but YOU.”

“Why not?” Emma somehow found herself managing to ask. Her voice trembling at what his words implied. 

Killian's eyes softened ever so slightly “You know why Swan.” He said looking at her for a moment with tenderness. But then his face hardened again and he continued his advances towards her. “But now you're telling me that all that time that I was so bestoweth upon you, all that time I was trying to prove myself worthy of you, to prove how much I bloody LOVE YOU,” 

The fact that this was the first time Killian had said those words out loud wasn't missed on Emma as her back hit the wall. However Killian was in her face now and there was nowhere to run. 

“you were ‘hooking up’ with another man because you couldn't give me A BLOODY FUCKING CHANCE! WHY!? WHY WASN’T I FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU EMMA!?” 

Killian’s eyes glared into her as his chest heaved. Emma didn't say anything. She couldn't speak. Couldn't think. She had been such a coward and hurt them both in the process. She couldn't tell him that he was good enough for her--too good in fact and that was why she had been sleeping with August. She had been afraid to love him. Afraid of what might happen if she opened her heart to him. But she had eventually overcome that fear and she had been happy with him. So happy. But again she had let fear control her and so she had lied to him, and now she could plainly see that he believed she was just going to run back to August because Killian would never be able to prove himself worthy of her. Even though Emma felt that he had never needed to prove himself in the first place. 

The two of them stared each other down for a long moment. Both either unable or unwilling to speak. Finally Killian could take it no longer. He spun on his heel and away from Emma, heading towards the door. 

“Wait!” Emma cried out. He couldn't leave her. Everyone left. 

Emma caught his sleeve just before he could exit through the door. He stopped but didnt turn around to look at her. 

“Amnesty.” Emma pled. It was all she could think to say. 

Emma watched as Killian’s neck and shoulders stiffened at her reminder of their promise. He was silent for a long moment and Emma's heart raced as she waited for him to speak. Finally he did. 

“Aye, I'll forgive you Swan. I just can't right now.” Killian said stiffly as he yanked his sleeve from her grasp and stormed out the door, slamming it shut in his wake. 

Emma watched as he walked out the door. Walked out like everyone else had. She was no longer able to hold back the tears as she collapsed into a heap on the cold floor.


End file.
